Obituary

I had placed an add in the Washington Jewish Week in Fall of 1991of which the add reads as follows:

SJM, 38 professional, bright, athletic, seeking SJF who values friendship, romance based on intelligence, creativity, integrity, spontaneity, diversified interests, humor, hugs, curiosity...Call to redeem your choice of brunch, theater, tennis, museum to get acquainted, Tele-Matchmaker Box 80073

Ruth answered my add and after phoning her we agreed to meet in Nordstroms on a Saturday in Tysons Corner. Strangely enough, Ruth's sister Sylvia and her husband Bob saw us there in Nordstroms (apparently they were shopping there). We often joked that had Ruth not decided to spend her 29 cents in postage we never would have met and in turn, Sam and Ben never would have been adopted from Russia. That is reason my grave marker will make reference to being grateful for 29 cents! During her lunch at Tysons in October or November 1991, Ruth and I saw two boys inquisitivly leaning over the booth to look at us. We smiled at the cute boys and to this day I saw this as a symbol or "warning" that our lives would be enriched by our marriage and our adoption of twin boys from Russia.

I proposed to Ruth outside on the deck of 2 Tivoli Lake Court in July of 1993 by saying "we can work it out". We set the wedding date for labor day weekend on Sunday September 5th at Ohr Kodesh Congregation. It was very sad that Ruth's mother and father chose to not intend the ceremony after personally being invited to the wedding by the both of us.

Below is what I said at Ohr Kodesh during the funeral on friday, May 5, 2017.

I wish this remembrance could have been given twenty-five years from now and not today. Ruth was too special, too kind, too caring, too generous to family and others, too smart, too brave, too wonderful., to have this shortened life. While we knew the horrible statistics about survival rates for this type of advanced cancer, we carried out our lives like we both would make it to our 90s just as her father and my mother did.
I first met Ruth at a restaurant in 1991. She apparently instantly liked me as I was the first date partner who actually paid for her meal where her other dates paid nothing for either their meals or Ruth’s meal. We were not matched in statistical terms. She was active in her Jewish life, active in supporting both Israel and her synagogue and local and national Jewish causes, kept Kosher, and owned a television with those movable antennas from the 1960s. When I first came into her townhouse it was 30 below zero in the house. I thought that Ruth was very poor or having some bad financial times and I plotted to find out her heating account so that I could pay the bill and restore heating to the house. I didn’t know that Ruth was frugal, maybe from her growing up on Bluff Terrace, and that she didn’t bother with heating and air conditioning. I also immediately paid for upgraded TVs and cable service so that sports can be watched without holding the TV antenna for a clear picture.

I was also smart but had limited Jewish cultural identity, and spent more time on the basketball court than other activities. We were not matched well, but clicked together in about a few seconds of meeting for the first time. And we clicked more and more over time until we married in 1993. It also helped that my great grandparents on two sides of my extended family were high ranking Jewish Scholars making Ruth comfortable that there was hope for me. There is a picture that I treasure in our wedding album, showing Ruth in an elegant beige gown, and she was so happy and I was so happy to have found her and married her. Ruth showed her extraordinary sense of humor and love by having the shape of a baseball placed carefully on our ketubah or wedding contract. She took care of all the wedding details like she took care of almost all things that matter and the only thing I took care of was to make sure there was a good musical group there that could play British folk music. Of course, that was a mistake, as the group eat up half of the food we had for the wedding.
What struct me about Ruth was her decency, gentleness, kindness, love, intelligence, cultural curiosity and of course she was the most beautiful person I ever met in every way. What defined her is as follows;

She loved Israel and Judaism. She actually lived in Israel during the 1973 Yom Kippur war and worked in an asbestos factory as a receptionist, and she obviously was brave to have done this or jobs must have been hard to come by. She lived with her older sister Sylvia in Israel and they patched meals and living expenses on an hourly basis to make the funds last. She quickly made me comfortable attending synagogue, having Friday night dinners, celebrating the holidays, and keeping Kosher. I actually found it very relaxing and enjoyable to take this break from a stressful life and find spiritual meaning. Of course, Ruth bribing me with making mashed potatoes as the main course of Friday night dinners, helped greatly in my acceptance of this. We were to take trips to Israel where Ruth demonstrated her near fluent Hebrew except for occasionally using the names for food utensils into driving directions. We found that the GPS we had in our rented cars would always take us to parking lots and one-way streets going in the wrong direction.
She loved helping others around her with whatever help they needed. She would ask guests to let them know when they got home from visiting us, the past few years through texts. And they all did just that, promptly letting Ruth know that they arrived safely or knowing they would get a stern lecture from Ruth about it.

When I went on overseas business trips in the 1980s and 1990s, she would always have a fax waiting for me upon my arrival, letting me know what happened in my absence, even including sports scores on my Boston teams, weather reports for my area, and of course, her hugs and kisses sent via fax. Even this past year, every time I went on an errand, she would always text me to make sure I was safe. It will be beyond difficult not to have Ruth watching after me and our family and constantly texting me and my sons to make sure everything was ok.

Ruth received one of her greatest professional honors by being admitted to practice in the Supreme Court, and being sworn in and having her name read at the Supreme Court followed by a meeting with Ruth Bader Ginsburg in her private office. My kids Sam and Ben told their teacher they missed school because they had to go the Supreme Court for a ceremony. The teacher reprimanded them and contacted us about making stuff up to miss school.
Ruth showed the ability to change direction in life and her career. she married me late in life like I did, she reinvented her career by switching from the government to run her own business with her sister, then she changed again by going to law school and having a 17-year legal career. Some of her legal cases continue to be used by other lawyers in business and contract law as case precedents. In fact, one of her clients is here, and they developed a special relationship, and when this client’s father died, and we visited her house near the capital, she shocked us by having a whole Kosher food section just for us, with tightly wrapped food from the Kosher food store. Ruth was so pleased that one of her clients was so caring to her.
We also ended up with twin boys- Samuel and Benjamin… whom we first met when they were age nine in a summer camp for kids from Russia without parents. We knew it would be an interesting experience when shortly after meeting the boys for the first time, Samuel almost drowned in a pool, forgetting to tell us he never learned to swim. They have grown before our eyes as being very smart, also handsome, generous and caring sons, and all due to Ruth’s watchful eyes and sage counsel. It is with my sons help and support and love that we keep Ruth out of harm’s way of the advancing cancer for about four years to enjoy a quality life with us in every way. My sons, almost every week, came to me with news of medical advancements hoping to stop the cancer in its tracts. And I must admit, one of their ideas, did help lessen Ruth’s pain and discomfort.

Sam, this is what Mama, who you affectionally called Mama Bear, said about you via text
“Sam. Mothers are only happy when their children are happy. Please never forget that”. I often wonder how I found such an amazing malchek. Why do I luv my Samuel so much? I can’t figure it out. Because he is so nice, so lovable, can you help me understand. Mama bear likes to take care of her handsome malchek samalong. I often wonder how I found such an amazing muskrat. Remember we luv Sam always. We luv him just the way he is.” I think the word malchek goes back to Russia and refers to a famous stray dog that stayed in Moscow’s train station from 1996 to 2001 and for which there is a commemorative plaque in the station.

Sam., you told Her that “life is so unfair. Why are you sick. this is bs (Sam actually used more colorful language than that).. I luv you but don’t get it… “
Mama told you “life isn’t always fair but we still much luv each other and enjoy it”
And to Ben, this is her last new year’s greeting to you. she said. “and a very excellent new year to my favorite malchek bandito”. Can’t wait to get an amazing hug from my wonderful; Ben. Safe flights”. Please rest my most handsome muskrat”.
She gave you career advise by saying “Ok let’s first get through school and perhaps get a part-time job or work experience that will lead to a career. Also remember things change. I’ve had at least three or four difference careers and life changes and the economy also continuously changes in ways we can’t imagine”

You guys will need strength and courage to go on without beautiful mama. You premised me you would also support me to try and move forward. She was such a perfect role model for us and you know she just wants all of us to be happy, stay in touch with Judaism and its traditions, help out others who and when they need it, keep on learning, keep on trucking in your restored mustangs and truck, and remember that Mama will always luv you and be there for you.
As for how she dealt with her poor medical prognosis, she texted a close friend as follows: “I think prayers are keeping me going. Yes, we are trying to live each day to the fullest. I guess it is important for all of us as none of us know what the future holds. What I have found is that when I travel often I feel better than when home. Can’t believe all the trips to Europe I took last year. Basically, I don’t think of myself as a sick person. I am someone who has the opportunity to explore new horizons. What can be better than that”. She also wrote that I am very lucky to have found Larry as my best friend and medical advisor.
She wrote to a friend about an experience which took place at in wine country in Northern California where we went last August. Ruth was coughing heavily at the Kosher wine restaurant, and as she was walking out the door, a gentleman offered to give her a just purchased bottle of wine to help kill her germs. Ruth told him she had cancer and the wine wouldn’t cure it and that she appreciated the kind and generous gesture. He asked Ruth what would cure it, she said prayers and medicine. He asked for her Hebrew name so that he could say prayers for her and Ruth asked for his name which was Baruch Ben Rachamini. She said how appropriate.

For the past year, Ruth has been corresponding with my good friend from college, who also was inflicted with terminal cancer and is nearing his end. Ruth and Ray kept trying to keep each other’s spirits up and she texted Ray as follows:
“Larry said things were not very encouraging at the moment. Hope they change quickly and that you feel a lot better very soon. Still hope we can get together later this month. Please try to keep your spirits up and enjoy being a new grandfather”. Ray and his wife were devastated to hear the news about Ruth’s passing and they have sent me already so many messages of comfort and support.
Ruth was in intensive care at Sibley over this past weekend and the doctors and nurses said she was unresponsive to voices. I went to Ruth and asked her who her sons were. She was laboring to answer, she opened her eyes for a second and two, and mouthed the words Samuel and Benjamin. I asked her the year she was born, and she answered correctly. I asked her who I was and she said Larry and I asked her what she called me, and she gave me a fun name she used for me. I thought I was dreaming but it was very real. Because of the severity of the illness in her final days, speaking and even opening up her eyes took a major effort of strength and courage. Ruth died two days later in a quiet peaceful place away from the hospital and with flowers and gardens outside of her room. It was in the same building that Princess Di had once visited. The kids and I spend one more final night together with her before she passed away 12 hours from when she left Sibley by ambulance. To Sam and Ben, the courage, strength, and focus, and under extraordinary pain, that she was able to say your names is a final symbol of the love and admiration she had for you and it was a symbol that we will find a way to keep you safe and on your way to whatever the future holds for you.

I will miss Ruth beyond words. You have watched over me, Sam and Ben and now I hope you are safe and happy and most importantly, without pain, wherever you are and we will always remember and cherish you and act out our lives like the role model you provided us. Our wish from our family is that we meet up with her again someday and be a family of four once more.